Big Mike opens up about his next-door neighbor
“Hi Unc, how come you didn’t show up yesterday? You need to get me a cell phone so I can save you from this kind of embarrassments.”
“Hi Mike, you are scaring me. Climb down to a lower branch. Why do you have to hang off a branch that is so high up? If you fall off, you could be badly hurt. Never go so high up.”
“Unc, do you know why I need to go so high up in the tree? Whenever I am alone the new next-door man – the father of the two wimps – would come over to ask how I am doing in history. He knows history is not my best subject so, just to embarrass me, he would ask me that question over and over. Even when I pretend not to see him, he would come over to the fence and ask me the same.”
“Perhaps he has good intentions. He wants you to study harder and do better in history.”
“He has good intentions? Last time I told him I aced the math test, but he didn’t care. He keeps insisting on my history score. I would rather have him reserve all of his good intentions for his two wimpy boys who know only one thing – studying. Every time I asked them to join my soccer team, they would run away, always giving me the impression as if I was asking them to join me in a jail. Two little wimps! Do you still believe their father has any good reasons to ask me about my history?”
“I would still give him the benefit of any doubt. Next time just ask him why he insists on knowing your history score, not other subjects, particularly math?”
“Unc, I know why. Because he teaches history or social in some religious school where, I am sure, history is considered more important in life than math and science.”
“Since he is a history teacher and considering history is one of your weak subjects, he probably wants to help you. What about the boys? Are they in your class or study at his father’s?”
“I see them going with their father. Why do you think they are so afraid to talk to me? They know I would ask them some smart math or science questions they couldn’t answer. The man kind of scares me with his serious look. I don’t need any help from him. I can study harder to get better scores.”
“Mike, as I said, the next time just ask him why he is so curious about your history score.”
“Unc, I have a better suggestion. Can you ask the police officer friend of yours to give my new neighbor a ticket? A real hefty one!”
“Why give him a ticket?”
“What do you mean by why give him a ticket? Excessive child abuse! Mighty, mighty excessive child abuse! Now I have to climb all the way up on the tree and hang off a tiny little branch. You can see how I am endangering my life by having to avoid him. Okay, make it excessive child abuse and serious endangerment of future President’s life. That should be grounds enough for a hefty ticket, like $100. If my Granny finds out that I am endangering my life to hide from an unknown man for no good reason whatsoever, she would get a shock. Add that to the reason and make it excessive child abuse and serious endangerment of future President’s life with potential mental shock to a peace-loving senior. Also, up the ticket to $120. That should keep him depressed for 120 days and I can return to a normal life for four months.”
“Mike, I got to go. I am covering for a friend of mine at work. I will stop by over the week-end. Meanwhile, don’t climb so high up on the tree. If your neighbor shows up again, ask him why he is so curious about your history score. Also, try to put some pressure back on him by asking about his two sons’ math and science scores. See you later, alligator.”
“Unc, wait. Please clear up your account before you leave. You learned six new lessons today so you owe me twelve dollars. Since I am okay with the face on the ten, let me settle for that today, which is a big break for you. Going forward I am planning to increase my fees. Yesterday I made my team aware of that too. They are all very nervous.”
“Here is a two – take it or leave it.”
“Okay, but if you are going to give me only two every time, I have to cut back on the number of lessons. You don’t want to shortchange yourself on meaningful education. This is not something you could learn elsewhere.”
Four days later
“Hi Mike, did you have an encounter with your new neighbor since our last meeting?”
“Yes I did, Unc. Yesterday he came over to the fence and kept calling me, although I quickly moved up on the tree and pretended as if I did not hear him. He is so rude! Instead of addressing me with proper respect like ‘Hi Brilliant Mr. Mike’ he kept calling me ‘Hey You.’ As I finally looked at him, he asked me if I was still getting an F in history. I said, ‘No, I got an A.’ That rude man insisted it had to be an F. I said B. He wouldn’t go up in the bidding to meet me halfway through and kept insisting on F. I went down to C. He wouldn’t still budge. I had to go down to D which is my real grade. He was still not convinced.”
“What about his two sons? Did you ask him about their math and science scores?”
“No, I didn’t. It was kind of getting dark so I was a little afraid to ask him that.”
“Mike, I don’t understand. Why did you have to be afraid to ask him some reasonable questions?”
“Unc, I was afraid that he might tie me up on the tree. You know, even if I scream at the top of my lungs, no one from inside the house could hear me so I didn’t want to take any chances. Next time if the encounter happens in the daytime, I will ask him that question and shut him up.”
“Mike, he won’t have the guts to do something like that. He is a history teacher so, I would guess, he is just looking for a tutoring opportunity to make some extra money. See, he is teacher in a different school so he doesn’t have any conflict of interest to tutor you.”
“Unc, I need bolder actions to stop him from harassing me. I need the police officer friend of yours to help me out. One Sunday afternoon he has to round up two police cars with eight officers and show up at his house to give him the ticket. Tell them to leave all of the car lights on at the brightest. Let the sirens go off at the highest volume. While your friend writes the ticket, the other seven officers should dance around him and often perform some fast somersaults. I don’t mind if they even sing some military songs to go along with their dance. Let them take enough time as I will be taking lots of pictures from behind the guava tree. Scare him enough so he wouldn’t ever look at our backyard, let alone laying his eyes on me again. Dumb history! Dumber history teachers!”
“Oh Mike, your imagination is running wild. I think I should tell your dad to knock this guava tree down. I have a feeling this guava tree is having some crazy impact on you.”
“Unc, I know why you are trying to please me. You are trying to avoid paying me for today’s lessons. I told you, the face on the ten is now cool.”
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