Big Mike is captaining his soccer team
“Hi my dearest nephew Mike!”
“Hi Unc, how come you didn’t show up on Saturday? I waited for you the whole day. Our phone wasn’t working and I don’t have a cell. Could you get me one? That way, you don’t have to face this embarrassment with me. I will send you timely reminders.”
“I am sorry, Mike. I got stuck at the factory. I had to work six more hours of overtime. By the time I got home I was so exhausted I went straight to bed. My alarm woke me up at 9pm to remind me of my 10pm shift, again. Did you go to school today?”
“Yes, I did. I even finished all of my homework. Now it’s time for me to lie down on my favorite guava tree and do all the big thinking about my future.”
“Yeah, I always know where to find you. Out here – hanging like a bat off one of these branches. Tell me about your soccer. Although I am not coaching you guys this year, I am keen to know what is going on in the field.”
“Unc, before I tell you all about my soccer, I have to ask you something.”
“Let me make sure, you are asking for my advice, right? Plus, I am not carrying any cash right now.”
“No, no, I am not asking for your advice. I am asking for your suggestion. I never ask for advice from anyone; I give advice. Why do you think I have been a Magnet student?”
“Fair enough. What kind of suggestion do you need?”
“Last Saturday I was watching a soccer match on TV. I noticed, every time a player goes down, the referee comes running down to him and whispers something in his ears. Do you know what the referee whispers to the player?”
“Stretcher, ER or ICU?”
“Unc, I know what an ER is, but I don’t think I know ICU.”
“ICU stands for ‘Intensive Care Unit’ in a hospital.”
“Oh, now I know why those guys take so much of time to get up. The referee is basically encouraging them to continue with their drama. It’s not strong enough. Can you ask the FIFA President to change the options to ER, ICU or Graveyard? Very dark, very noisy Graveyard! You know, Granny watches 100 different God channels so I hardly get to watch an entire soccer match. I want the players to cut out all that drama and finish the match faster. When I am playing, I can create my own drama. I don’t need to learn that from them.”
“Mike, I am sure you will make a much better case to FIFA than I can. Just go on to their site and send them an email requesting the immediate attention of the President. Before sending it, click on the ‘Urgent’ button twenty times so they would know the urgency of the email.”
“Okay. That will help me in my Magnet class too. I will show the email to the teacher and bargain for the extra credit to offset the deficiency I have in my history class. I cannot remember all those famous dead people’s birth dates. See, how dumb we are! Instead of remembering all the good things they did, we are so bogged down with when they were born. When they were born, they were nobody so their birth dates are mostly manufactured later on. By the time they died, they were, at least, famous so their death dates would be more accurate. We should therefore emphasize their death dates in history, not some made-up birth dates. In fact, one day I said that to the big and thick-headed history teacher and he broke the pointing stick on my back. Dumb history! Dumber history teacher! That is why, I like math. It makes sense. I like my math teacher. She is so nice and helpful.”
“So, what happened to the Friday’s match with the neighboring village? Did you guys win?”
“Actually it went very well. We won 1-0.”
“Who scored the goal?”
“The referee did.”
“The referee scored the goal? How is that possible? He is supposed to be neutral and just manage the game without participating in it? ”
“Unc, you are totally wrong there. The referee lives in our neighborhood so he felt bad when we were struggling to score on our own. He therefore showed some neighborly love and helped us out. I don’t see any problem with that.”
“Wow! I am really amazed by your thinking. What happens when you play the return league in theirs? They will try to rig the match the same way to get even, isn’t it?”
“Well, not so easily, Mister. I have a game plan to stop that.”
“How? You will force them to use a neutral venue or a referee?”
“Not really! This is what I told my team we have to do to take control of the match. Every time the ball crosses over to our side, we will double-team the referee. When it approaches our box, we will triple-team him. When the ball gets inside our box, we will all jump over him. We will not give him any chance to score against us.”
“Mike, I am so happy I am not coaching you guys this year. I can see I dodged a bullet.”
“Unc, I am happy for you too. We would have had serious disagreements about our game plans. Your thinking is too orthodox to work in today’s environment. I am an exceptional captain with a razor sharp mind in creating game plans. The new coach thinks a world of me so I am able to permanently bench the boys who have any disagreements with me. As a result, the boys who are really interested in our soccer team have learned not to question my instructions at all.”
“So, who are the best players in your team?”
“The tall twins - Digchi and Degoom. They both are excellent strikers. Since they were away last Friday, we could not score on our own. I am the best midfielder. I am using Khe, Pe and Na as the starting defenders. David is the goalie. Unlike the prior years when you were the coach, we now play seven per side.”
“What happened to Ricky and Cho? I remember they were doing very well last year.”
“I benched them this year.”
“Why?”
“Because they don’t think I am a good captain. They don’t have guts to tell me that directly, but I heard it from others on the team. I don’t like disloyal members.”
“What about Vava and Sandy? They were very promising too.”
“Well, they are not as good-looking as Pe and Na. I want to field the best-looking team.”
“Mike, you are losing me now. What good looks have anything to do with the performance on the field?”
“Unc, I can see you are not a big picture guy at all. You see, almost all adult folks from both villages show up for the soccer matches and they love taking pictures - hundreds and hundreds of pictures. When they would look back at those pictures ten or twenty years from now, they would see what a good-looking bunch we were. They would not remember who won that match or who scored the goals. Keeping that ever-lasting and comforting future scenario in mind, I try to field the best-looking team. The only exceptions are Digchi and Degoom. Although they are not really two good-looking kids, folks love to chant ‘Digchi-Degoom, Digchi-Degoom’ whenever they are running with the ball. Their names rhyme so well. Actually, the guy who does the running commentary of our soccer matches gave me this paper showing how they scored in our season opener:
Digchi Digchi Digchi Degoom Degoom
Digchi-Degoom Digchi-Degoom Digchi-Degoom Digchi-Degoom Digchi-Degoom
Goal, Goal, Goal, Goooooooooooooooooal!”
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